03.03.2013 Old-Timey Grammar FTW0

I have come across a treasure trove of offensive, hilarious, and head-scratching grammar exercises: a book called First Year College English Workbook: The Essentials of Correct Grammar, by H. Ewell Hope. This workbook was first published in 1956; the edition I have was revised in 1967. Here is just a sampling of the grammatical nuggets.

The Disturbingly Racist:

Write the correct plural form:
(Negro) We saw five __________ at work in the plantation.

Punctuate the sentence and cross out the incorrect word within the parentheses:
While we were in the jungles Tom and I saw a (hoard, horde) of savages.

I wonder if they brought the savages back to work on the plantation?

The Unintentionally Sexual/Homoerotic:

Punctuate the sentences. Cross out the incorrect word within the parentheses:
You may be as noisy as you please Joe there is no one here but you and (I, me).
John Tom and (he, him) came however they did not wait for Mary and (I, me).
Howard Jack and (I, me) know a man (who, whom) we believe will be satisfactory.
As soon as the pole becomes (stationery, stationary) boys hoist the flag.
The river had (overflowed, overflown) (its, it’s) banks before (we, us) boys (come, came). (To be fair, this one’s mostly metaphorical. But still.)

And one more we’re supposed to pluralize:
(sailor-boy) How many ____________ did you see on that ship?

The Blatantly Sexist:

Punctuate and cross out the wrong word, etc.:
Watch the oven closely Regina the dough should (raise, rise) soon said mother.
Each of (us, we) girls (was, were) told to wash the dishes cook dinner and (set, sit) the table.
Every businessman should have (an avocation, a vocation).
Every one of the boys (has, have) passed (his, their) test in algebra civics and latin.
Mary you should boil the eggs (soft, softly) if you wish them to taste (good, well).
The cook was a good healthy woman and her name was Josephine.
(Sit, set) the bread in the oven Mary I wish it to (raise, rise) (quick, quickly).

(Again, to be fair, H. Ewell Hope also has Martha enrolling in a business course and Helen being the most brilliant in her class).

The Charmingly Anachronistic:

Provide corrections, etc.:
Yes I work in a garage said Fred; I earn twelve dollars a week.
Yes I work for the south western company at a salary of twenty dollars per week. (Don’t tell Fred!)
I (shall/will) be twenty years old tomorrow I (shall/will) soon be able to vote.
Follow the directions for your scalp treatment carefully Frank and before you apply the tonic to your hair make sure it is well shaken.
Since you have a new ribbon on your typewriter Tom I hope you will use it more often.
Don’t work so hard Walter you look as if you were (all fagged out, most tired out, nearly exhausted).

Good stuff, right? I’m all fagged out for now, but will revisit this gold mine soon and often.

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02.05.2013 Fundamental Comma Rules, Part Two0

Today, I bring you the long-awaited second installment in the comma rule series: The use of commas in a direct address. This is an easy one. First, understand that “direct address” does not mean “street address.” It means that you are speaking (or writing) directly to a particular person, group of people, or thing. You are addressing him, her, them, or it and using a specific name, identification, term of endearment, insult, and so on.

Let’s say you’re a waitress and a couple comes in to your diner just as you’re walking over to lock the door for the night. You would probably say something like, “We’re closed.” But if you added some sort of direct address in there, you’d need a comma to set it off: “Folks, we’re closed.” Or, “We’re closed, guys.”

This rule applies to anyone or anything you’re addressing. If my computer inexplicably shuts itself down for the third time in a row, I might yell something like, “I hate you, stupid computer!” See how I’m directly addressing the computer? If I said, “I hate this stupid computer,” I don’t need a comma, because I’m making a general statement, not speaking directly to my computer.

If the direct address is in the middle of the sentence, you need commas surrounding it:

“I’m telling you, man, I fundamentally disagree with you.”

“Hey, Fido, marshmallows are not for dogs.”

Easy, right? This is the comma rule behind this joke you may have seen:

“Let’s eat Grandma!”
“Let’s eat, Grandma!”
Commas: They save lives.

Stay tuned for the rules on commas with appositives. It’s a little trickier, but I ain’t skeered.

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01.10.2013 Fundamental Comma Rules, Part One 10

Many people find the comma to be the most difficult piece of punctuation to master. There are so many rules governing its usage, and many of those rules are somewhat fluid, allowing for writer preference. And sometimes comma rules are deliberately ignored in favor of aesthetics and readability. If you struggle with comma confusion, you can start by focusing a few of the fundamentals. Today I’ll discuss commas and coordinating conjunctions. Hold on to your hats!

The rule: Use a comma before a coordinating conjunction linking two independent clauses.

Ack, what does all that mean? Let’s break it down.

When you think “coordinating conjunction,” think FANBOYS—for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so. They’re connectors.

When you think “independent clause,” think “complete sentence”—a group of words that contains a subject and a verb and expresses a complete thought.

Example: I went to bed early. “I” is the subject, and “went” is the verb.

Example: My partner’s horrible breath kept me awake all night. “Breath” is the subject, and “kept” is the verb.

Now suppose you wanted to combine those two sentences into one. You’d choose the appropriate conjunction, place a comma before it, and tuck that between the clauses. So:

I went to bed early, but my partner’s horrible breath kept me awake all night.

Here are a few more examples:

I’d like to go to yoga class, but I’m feeling a little gassy.

I’m allergic to salmon, so I’d better not order the seafood special.

Office Cat is diabetic, and he follows a special diet.

Pretty straightforward, right? It is, generally, but you should also remember that some of these conjunctions don’t always act as conjunctions. Take “so,” for example. It can also be an adverb, in which case you would not apply this rule.

Example: I have so much to say about commas.

The same is true for “yet”; when used as an adverb, this rule doesn’t apply.

Example: I have yet to understand the physics behind the Ancient Alien guy’s hair.

Also remember that several of these conjunctions are used to join words and phrases too, not just independent clauses. You wouldn’t use a comma when they’re joining things other than independent clauses.

Example: I want ketchup and mustard on this cheese dog.

Example: I want neither ketchup nor mustard on this cheese dog.

Woo! Now we’re having fun. Want to test yourself? Determine where the commas go in the following sentences:

I bought a gift for you and I hope you like it.

It was expensive so I hope you express appropriate gratitude and treasure it forever.

Let’s go outside so you can open it.

You can try to guess what it is but I bet you can’t.

Yup, it’s a dirigible! Buckle up and let’s go for a ride.

Next up: Commas in a direct address. Yeehaw, y’all!

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10.19.2012 Why Grammar is Important to Your Business2

In my daily travels through the Internet, I’ve noticed a significant number of businesses with an array of grammatical errors and typos on their pages, some more prevalent than others. I usually let them know by sending a friendly email. I’m not really a grammar snob, and I hope I don’t come across as one in these communications. But for whatever reason, I almost never hear back from these companies, and I almost never see any corrections on their sites. This is true for tiny businesses all the way up to big-name corporations. It’s fine if they don’t want to take the time to write back to me, but to just leave those errors on there? What gives?

I’ve discovered in my years of teaching and writing that many, many people don’t care one bit about grammar. I do agree that we need to allow language to change, and that sometimes, a grammatically incorrect structure is actually preferable to the “right” one. (An example is Apple’s slogan “Think Different,” which is much snappier than the technically correct “Think Differently.”) At the same time, I can’t think of any circumstances where it’s a good business choice to put “Serveing customer’s for 20 yrs” on your homepage.

Businesses that leave glaring errors on their websites must believe that customers share the view that grammar is unimportant. Lots of customers probably do share that view. What about the ones who don’t, though? For these customers (and there are many of them, I assure you), numerous errors in basic grammar will turn them off and make them question your credibility. Bad grammar leads to lower sales, plain and simple.

Charles Duncombe, an online entrepreneur who runs several websites out of the UK, contends that mistakes in grammar and spelling add up to millions in lost revenue across online businesses. In a convincing example, he identifies one online company that doubled its revenue per visitor after correcting an error on the site (1). Yes, doubled!

If your customers include women, it’s even more important to ensure your text is error-free. Award-winning marketing expert Mary Lou Quinlan (called “the Oprah of Madison Avenue” by The Wall Street Journal), says that women “take notice of errors. Bad grammar or a mistake on an order form creates lasting impressions for female buyers…the smallest error can cause them to look for a new place to shop or a new person to buy their goods from" (2). Quinlan suggests running all of your business communications past a professional proofreader, from sales letters to marketing materials to web content.

The bottom line is, spelling and grammar do matter to many of your customers. If you’re not a grammar expert, no worries; you’re an expert at all those other things that make your business successful. Ask someone to read through your text to correct any mistakes, and watch your revenue grow!

1. Coughlan, Sean. “Spelling Mistakes ‘Cost Millions’ in Online Sales.” BBC News.
2. Cohen, Andy. "What Women Want." Successful Promotions (May/June 2009): 46-48.

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10.15.2012 Why Grammar is Important0

Let’s face it—grammar can be a drag. Just when you think you’ve mastered a rule, here come four or five exceptions to throw you off all over again. Guidelines seem arbitrary, rules seem inconsistent, and the whole endeavor seems vaguely pretentious.

Nonetheless, it matters. We have agreed as a society that writing and speaking a certain way signifies a level of intelligence and professionalism. People make judgments about us based on our command of the language and its rules. They decide whether to date us, hire us, take us seriously, work with us, and so on.

Is this fair? Not really. Just because someone is rusty on a few grammar rules most certainly does not mean he’s incompetent or unintelligent. A person who makes a minor error on a cover letter might still be the best person for the job, all things considered. But he probably won’t get it.

Whether we like it or not, correct grammar and clear writing are issues of respect. If we want to present ourselves as credible, professional, and competent, we need to demonstrate an awareness of the rules governing communication. Even more important, correct grammar helps us deliver our message with clarity, as opposed to the confusion that can come from improperly structured, badly punctuated sentences.

This doesn’t mean you need to be an overly-formal grammar robot. Prose can be grammatically correct, lively, casual, and engaging all at the same time. You can still write in a way that reflects your personality or your company’s ethos; this isn’t a question of tone. It’s about conveying yourself with authority and precision in order to inspire confidence in your reader.

You don’t need to be perfect. Even the most vigilant grammarian might make a mistake or overlook a typo now and then. But you do need to make an effort to express yourself in a way that demonstrates your professionalism, reflects your knowledge, and shows respect for your audience.

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10.12.2012 Choosing a Legitimate Academic Writing Service4

There are a lot of academic writing services out there. How do you decide which one to use? The suggestions below can help.

• Obviously, you want to avoid any sites that have pages riddled with grammatical errors. These are foreign sites run and staffed by people whose first language is not English. This isn’t a dig at anyone who speaks English as a second language; the dedication and study required to learn a new language is significant, and anyone who does it deserves credit. It’s just that native English speakers understand the mechanical, stylistic, and cultural standards involved in producing academic work for institutions in English-speaking countries. If you come across a site full of errors and awkward phrasing, move on.

• Price is an important consideration, and as in all things, you get what you pay for. You should be wary of sites that claim to offer original work for prices that seem too good to be true. These papers are recycled and resold, cut and pasted from the web, or written by people who don’t have a command of the language or an understanding of the standards of quality academic writing. The prices may be cheap, but ultimately, it’s a total waste of your money.

• Similarly, cheap prices, even if offered by a legitimate American company, indicate that they’re not paying their writers very much. Most writing companies pay their writers half or less than half of the total paper cost. That means that the writer may be receiving something like $8 per page on a bargain paper. You may not be gravely concerned about the writer’s financial situation, but think of it this way: how hard is that writer going to work on the paper? Writers who are paid poorly tend to overbook themselves, rush through their work, and cut corners. And who can blame them? If a company indicates that they don’t value their workers, workers aren’t likely to feel especially loyal to that company. Writing well is a skill that should be compensated appropriately. (In case you’re wondering, our writers earn 75-85% of the profits on each project.)

• A huge stable of writers isn’t necessarily a red flag, but it’s something to think about. Bigger isn’t always better. How well can a company really know each one of its hundreds of writers? Often, these writers are contracted on the basis of a couple of samples that may or may not reflect the real quality of their work. I’m sure these big companies make a sincere effort at quality control, but by the time they discover that a writer can’t actually handle the work, or reuses portions of old papers, it may be at your expense. A smaller company with a group of trusted, proven, well-paid writers is often a better choice.

• I’m suspicious of companies that claim to run their papers through plagiarism software. There are some good free plagiarism-detection sites available, but many are actually fronts for shady essay companies that take the inputted text and sell it on another site. And if a company claims to run their papers through Turnitin, be wary. I’m not sure I believe their claims that they have a Turnitin account in the first place, and even if they do, anything run through Turnitin automatically becomes part of the Turnitin database and will therefore show up as a match when you or someone else runs it a second time. A better bet is for you to run the paper yourself through a service like WriteCheck.

• Above all, trust your instincts. You’re a knowledgeable, savvy online consumer!

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10.05.2012 A Ridiculously Easy Way to Raise Your Grades0

You might view your college professor as little more than a droning voice coming from the general direction of the podium, and you might think your professor views you as just another face in the crowd. This may be true in huge lecture settings. But when it comes to smaller classes, you’d better believe that your professor forms some opinions about you, and it’s to your benefit to do what you can to make those opinions positive, especially in a class where there’s a higher degree of subjectivity to the grading.

You can tell within one or two class periods, usually, whether you’re going to like the class, right? Similarly, professors can generally tell within the first few weeks which students are likely to do well, which are going to get by with a gentleman’s C, and which are going to fail spectacularly. I’m not always right about this, and I keep an open mind, because people can surprise you. But my beginning-of-the-semester hunches generally play out as expected. My colleagues agree: we can predict your overall success in the class two or three weeks in, without having many, if any, assignments to go on.

We make these judgments based largely on the way you present yourself in class. It’s not that we end up grading you badly because you act like a jerk in class; most professors make a sincere effort to keep negative personal feelings out of grading. It’s that acting like a jerk in class is strongly correlated with performing badly overall. Very rarely do I come across a student who behaves like a first-rate jackhole but still turns in excellent work. No, the first-rate jackholes, who wander in disruptively late and spend class time playing with their cell phones, one bud firmly in-ear, exhaling frequent sighs of boredom, packing up their things seven minutes before the hour, tapping their pencil loudly and rapidly on the desk, eating chips and salsa, showing classmates the hilarious doodles in their notebooks—these people don’t usually do too well overall. And if a student like this has a 69 at the end of the semester, I’m not bumping it up to a 70.

Guess what, though? If a student has been attentive and respectful in class, has indicated interest in the material, has attended regularly, has maybe visited me in office hours once or twice, has demonstrated some effort to improve, and has generally been a decent human being, I’m likely to tack on a few points, say, raising a 78 to an 80. Many professors have a “participation and demeanor” component to their grading to allow for such flexibility, but truth be told, even among professors who don’t, many are likely to toss a few extra points your way if you’ve portrayed yourself as a serious student.

This seems ridiculously obvious, doesn’t it? Even so, year after year, I encounter students whose rude behavior knows no bounds. Even if you don’t care about the material one bit, fake it. Grades will rise. Peace will reign.

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09.24.2012 Am I Supposed to Use “Can Not” or “Cannot”?0

Many people believe that there are esoteric differences between “can not” and “cannot,” and that you must choose the appropriate form depending on the specific sentence you’re constructing. The truth is, “can not” and “cannot” mean exactly the same thing, and you are free to choose whichever you prefer.

Let’s take a look at the dictionary definitions of “cannot.” The American Heritage College Dictionary defines “cannot” as “the negative form of can,” defines it as “a form of can not,” and Merriam-Webster defines it straightforwardly as “can not.” The big daddy of dictionaries, the OED, agrees, defining “cannot” as “the ordinary modern way of writing can not.”

So bottom line, despite the squiggly line that appears in your document when you type “can not,” both forms are correct. It is true that “cannot,” written as one word, is the more commonly used form, so that would be the option to choose unless you have a powerful preference to “can not” for whatever reason. In general, “can not” is preferable in two situations: the first is when you are using a construction such as “not only,” as in, “You can not only read the newspaper, but also use it as a birdcage liner.” The second is when you want to provide emphasis, as in, “You can not possibly be serious.”

Isn’t it great having options? Just remember to be consistent, whichever form you choose.

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09.18.2012 10 Tips for Writing Successful Business Plans1

Having an effective business plan is critical to securing financing. The following tips will help you create a successful business plan.

1. Develop an Outline

Business plans vary in length and format, but all should include the following sections:
• Executive Summary
• Company Description
• Product or Service Description
• Market Analysis
• Marketing and Sales Strategy
• Operational Plan
• Management Team
• Financial Analysis

Some plans subdivide certain topics. For example, many business plans have separate headings for Marketing Strategy and Sales Strategy or use Industry Analysis, Target Market, and Competitive Analysis rather than just Market Analysis.

2. Write a Good Executive Summary

The Executive Summary provides an opportunity to capture the reader’s interest, so it is important to do a good job with this section. Include a concise description of your company and its mission, vision, competitive advantages, and achievements, as well as information about your product or service and why people will want to buy it. Ideally, this section should be about 1-2 pages in length and focused on the elements of your business most likely to intrigue and impress your audience.

3. Go Beyond Simple Product, Service, and Company Descriptions

When describing your company, be sure to emphasize its competitive advantages, the types of customers it will serve, and what differentiates it from competing businesses. When describing your products or services, provide information about how they will be produced and delivered and why consumers will want to buy them. What makes your product or service unique? How does it meet an unfilled need in the marketplace?

4. Research the Market

Having a good market analysis is critical to the effectiveness of your business plan. This section should include:

• Information on consumer segments as well as market demand, trends, and growth
• An industry analysis that includes general participants, growth rate, intensity of competition, and other relevant factors
• Information about your company’s primary competitors, including their strengths and weaknesses
• A SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats) analysis of your proposed business.

Use good sources for your research, cite them properly, and don’t overestimate your own strengths and opportunities and underestimate those of your competitors – this will make you appear less credible to potential investors.

5. Provide a Detailed Strategy and Operational Plan

What is your value proposition? What gives your company a competitive edge? How will you promote your product or service? How will you continue to attract customers? What sales channels will you use? How will you get your products or services to your customers? What is your pricing strategy? Have you formed any strategic alliances? How will you operate on a day-to-day basis (hours of operation, suppliers, facility and technology requirements, information systems). How will you grow your business over time? You should answer all of these questions in this section. Include short-term goals as well as a five-year plan for growth that lists anticipated achievement milestones.

6. Include Information About Your E-Business Approach

Information technology is critical to the success of modern businesses. Your e-business strategy can be included in the Marketing and Sales Strategy section or described in a separate section of your business plan. It should cover the use of Internet-based platforms for marketing, management, cost reduction, and other aspects of your business, as well as how you will develop your website and support online sales.

7. Incorporate a Comprehensive Overview of Staffing and Management

Provide biographies of your management team, including the skills and experience they bring to your company, as well as general staffing information. This section should describe how you will recruit, train, and retain the workers you need. Include job descriptions and essential skills, and provide an organizational chart of staffing positions. Business consultants, advisors, or mentors can also be included in this section.

8. Provide a Detailed Financial Analysis

The Financial Analysis section typically includes a number of components, such as Important Assumptions, Key Financial Indicators, Break-Even Analysis, Projected Profit and Loss, Projected Cash Flow, Projected Balance Sheet, and Business Ratios. It should, at the very least, include Cash Flow Statements, a Profit and Loss Forecast, and a Sales Forecast.

9. Emphasize Environmental Friendliness and/or Social Responsibility

Sustainability and giving back to local communities have become vital to the success of modern companies. Throughout the plan, be sure to incorporate references to the ways in which your product, service, or company benefits the local community or the environment.

10. Hire a Professional Editor

Business plans with spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors and inconsistent formatting give the impression that you are unprofessional and careless. It is also important to use short, clear sentences and avoid buzzwords. Even those who have a talent for writing and editing tend to lack objectivity when looking at their own work. A professionally edited business plan is far more impressive to potential investors.

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